American Idle Redux?

Posted by Sean Doyle, January 22, 2010.

So let me get this straight.  Brian Cashman was against the signing of Rafael Soriano, but for the signing of Carl Pavano?  I see.  Cash wanted nothing to do with the best AL reliever of 2010 (45 Saves, 1.73 ERA, 0.80 WHIP, 57 K in 62 Innings) but was willing to bring back arguably (not from me) the worst Yankee in modern history (and by modern history I mean since they dropped the ol' Highlander team name.)  Say what?

By now we all know the sordid tale.  Pavano inked a fat $40 million dollar deal in the cold winter of 2004 and proceeded to start 26 out of an expected 128 games (26 out of 128!!) over the lifetime of the contract.  This Anti-Gehrig-esque performance* earned Carl the ire of teammates and fans alike. Even Derek Jeter, everybody's best friend, confronted Pavano about his utter lack of heart. In all my years as a Yankee fan I cannot think of one man so eagerly detested by the core fan base. He's like Pedro Martinez, Cliff Lee, Curt Schilling, and Larry Lucchino mixed together with all the charm of a late night New York City cab driver.  Me thinks Cash better lay off the hash!

Could you imagine the press conference? A ruddy faced Randy Levine introducing Pavano to a dumbfounded press corps all the while avoiding strong eye contact with every person there.  Hell, I'd buy a press pass just to swim about in that awkward mess.

* Pavano was paid $40 million dollars over four years.  He only made 26 starts (out of a possible 128) thus earning an average of  $1.53 million per start. To make matters worse he only won 9 of those 26 starts, meaning he earned an average of $4.4 million per victory.  That has to be some kind of all-time record for sucky-ness.

Unrequited Love

Posted by Sean Doyle, January 19, 2011.

Image Courtesy of Romanian Graffiti.

And so, the bold journey concludes.  New Jersey is no longer pursuing Carmelo Anthony.  This awkward one-sided affair had to end sooner or later.  After turning down the amorous flirtations of a Russian billionaire for several weeks now, Melo has decided that his wandering heart only belongs to one tri-state franchise.  The Nets confirmed this today when owner Mikhail Prokhorov declared the potential deal dead.  "There comes a time when a prize is simply too expensive. I am instructing our team to walk away from the deal, and the meeting that was supposed to be held by our management in Denver with Carmelo is hereby canceled," announced Prokhorov this evening. Thank God! Melo didn't want to play in Newark, or break ground in the hoops holy land of Brooklyn.  He only craves the luminous glow of Broadway.

So what is next?  Do the Bulls hop back into it as some have suggested?  Will Worldwide Wes steer Melo to Chi-Town to hook up with his boy Tom Thibodeau?  Chicago won't part with Joakim Noah (which is absolutely the right play as franchise centers who double as the heart of your team are rarer than a good trade by Isiah Thomas).  Will Luol Deng and a draft pick get it done?

When the hyperbole abates, I do think Carmelo wants to suit up in MSG.  With that kind of unique leverage I hope Donnie Walsh doesn't gut our team to get him.  Danilo Gallinari and Landry Fields are two of our best young pieces and I'd hate to lose them to Denver. Especially considering Melo wants to sign here anyway, and we have the cap space to accommodate him.  The next few days should be extremely interesting.

Meet The Heatles.

Posted by Sean Doyle, January 17, 2010.

Image by Colin & Sean Doyle.

Fresh off one of the darkest moments in Cleveland sports history (the 112-57 double drubbing of the Cavs by the Lakers), LeBron James invoked the Karma clause.  His "Highness" tweeted, "Crazy, Karma is a bitch..Gets you every time. It is not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!"  While the King engages in a gleeful bout of schadenfreude, his former team is slowly fading from the national consciousness.  If we do see the Cavaliers at all anymore, it is now only through the ever dry eyes of their estranged prodigal son.

His new team, which James slyly dubbed "The Heatles" after the greatest rock band of all time, is now making history of their own, methodically dismantling any franchise that gets in their way. After a rocky 9-8 start (in the rock world it's known as paying your dues), the Heatles are a ridiculous 21-4 in their last 25 games (21-1 with the Big Three healthy).

Since that fateful night in Cleveland, 'Bron has embraced his inner heel as Bill Simmons is fond of saying, and in doing so seems to have found his proper role. Now finally freed of his forced phony corporate milquetoast persona, the "King" (Come on, anyone who refers to himself as royalty is an automatic heel, we just weren't paying attention) is where he belongs, as the arrogant ringleader of a modern day Showtime Lakers (only without the likability and charm.) The Ric Flair of the Miami Heat's Four Horsemen.

Back to the Heatles.  To pull together this rough analogy we need to match the Fab Four with their modern day South Beach equivalent. I think this one is pretty straight forward. LeBron is John, the talented leader with a dark side. Wade is Paul, the pretty one with the pretty game, and the best chance at longevity. Bosh is George (I think this is easiest analogy), both could be the number one guy in a lot of teams/bands but in this particular situation are the very best third option around. And last but least (not a typo) Mike Miller is Ringo. I saw another photoshop where Juwan Howard is pictured as Ringo.  Juwan Freakin' Howard!  He's not even George Best.  Hell, he's not even Stu Sutcliffe.  No, Miller is Ringo.  Damnit!  Miller is Ringo!

Well folks, these are your Heatles, the premier heel faction in NBA history.

Dongslinger And The City.

Posted by Sean Doyle, January 11, 2011.

Image by Sean & Colin Doyle

Jeez ! What exactly do you think of us, Dongslinger?

Did you think that New York was some kind of non-stop orgy ball? A Caligula on the Hudson?  Because you sure treated your brief time here like some wild-eyed concupiscent teen boy in search of a cheap fleshy thrill.  Don't get me wrong DS, I'm not judging you. You're Brett Favre after all, one of the most famous and successful American athletes ever. (As in EVER!!) Two-hundred and ninety-seven straight NFL games bestow you with a certain modern day Spartan glow.  It's just...well....how do I put this? How come you didn't behave this way in Minnesota or Green Bay?  What is the Big Apple to you - just some easy Tramp?  I'm hurt, Dongslinger.

On Survivability.

Posted by Sean Doyle, January 10, 2011.

Wikipedia defines Survivability as the ability to remain alive or continue to exist.

"Hopefully the league can figure out one way where it can go back to the '80s where you had three or four All-Stars, three or four superstars, three or four Hall of Famers on the same team. The league was great. It wasn't as watered down as it is now. Imagine if you could take Kevin Love off Minnesota and add him to another team and shrink the league"
                                                                                                                   - LeBron James

In the go-go 1990s the Dow Jones Industrial Average, our nation's index of record, climbed from 2,800 to 11,700 for an incredible rise of 400%.  The NBA traced along on a similar expansionary route, growing from 23 teams in the late '80's to 29 by the late '90s (for a growth rate of about 25%, not too shabby).  The bull market in equities was the result of a happy confluence of events ranging from the fall of communism to the rise in leverage and cheap money, while the bull market in professional basketball had one major cause, Michael Jeffery Jordan.

With expansion often comes dilution.  The Association is stretched thin.  In 2004 the Charlotte Bobcats entered the NBA to make it an even 30 teams.  However, many thoughtful hardwood aficionados believe that the league in it's current form is watered down and therefore tasteless. Count King James amongst the concerned purists.  When he came out for contraction a few weeks ago, LeBron reignited a long dormant debate between those who seek to expand the NBA into an international powerhouse, (let's call them the Neocons led by David Stern) and those who wish it to remain an exclusive club of elite performers (let's call them the Paleocons lead by LeBron James).

Onward now to the notion of survivability. If we were to revolve back to LeBron's golden age (the mid 1980s) seven NBA franchises would need to be axed.  But which unlucky seven? Which of the weak hands would get to join the grungy ranks of the St. Louis Bombers and the Sheboygan Red Skins on that awful ash heap of dead franchise history?  We already know King James could do with the elimination of the New Jersey Nets and the Minnesota Timberwolves. But who else?

Here are the other obvious candidates for contraction: Memphis Grizzlies (NBA valuation rank: 29 of 30, attendance rank: 28 of 30), Sacramento Kings (NBA valuation rank 22 of 30, attendance rank: 29 of 30), Milwaukee Bucks (NBA valuation rank: 30 of 30, attendance rank: 24 of 30), New Orleans Hornets (NBA Valuation rank 28 of 30, attendance rank 23 of 30), Charlotte Bobcats (NBA valuation rank: 25 of 30, attendance rank: 22 of 30), and of course everybody's favorite hard luck head case The L.A. Clippers (NBA valuation rank: 23 of 30, attendance rank: 20 of 30).

They say only the strong survive.  Except when they don't. The NBA, like all major North American sports leagues, is an awkward amalgamation of large and small market teams forming a symbiotic relationship for supposed mutual benefit and survival.  The LeBron James', Kobe Bryants, and Dwayne Wades of the league along with the Lakers, Celtics, Bulls, and Knicks are the top of the food chain, the lion kings upon whose sturdy back the weaker beasts rely for sure survival.

On the ultimate question of contraction vs. survivability I am mixed.  On the one hand I do long for the halycon days of super-teams and super-rivals, LBJ's "golden age."  It is admittedly hard to get amped for a tuesday night "collision" between the Memphis Grizzlies and the Charlotte Bobcats.  However, I can't with good conscience advocate the forced removal of NBA teams from any cities no matter how fickle or dispassionate the fan base appears to be.  It is a great game, a beautiful game, and people of all ages in every corner of this great nation deserve to be part of it.  Besides, Memphis and Charlotte are just one Kevin Durant or LeBron James lottery pick away from glory. Just ask Cleveland and Oklahoma City.

Mt. Bustmore

Posted by Sean Doyle, January 5, 2011

Image by Colin & Sean Doyle

It's Bowl season folks! So in honor of college football's horribly inefficient method for crowning a national champion we here at Dummy Bros. have decided to have our own bowl. We will call it the NBA Bust Bowl! This first inaugural bowl will focus only on the various lottery pick big men who were supposed to be game changers but instead turned out like most every other big around. You know - slow, plodding, fastbreak-killing klutzes with boxy heads who provide us snarky fans with endless chuckles.

In order to limit the scope of the Bust Bowl and to add to it's air of exclusivity, I've limited participation to only top ten picks for the last decade (2000-2009). No guards or swingmen, either. Only true fours or fives. Honestly, even within this limited criteria you would be surprised just how many busts there were. It seems like at least half of these guys were picked merely because they were 6'9 or bigger. The logic for GMs must have gone something like this:

Image by Colin & Sean Doyle

What is a bust? Well, put simply it is player who was thought to have the ingredients to become something special and well, didn't. For whatever reason, the player just didn't live up to his potential. Here are the contenders:

7) Nic Tskitishvili (2002, Selected #5) - Career Stats: 172 Games, 2.9 PPG, 1.8 RPG, 4 teams.

Selected ahead of Nene, Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, Tayshaun Prince, Nenad Krstic, Carlos Boozer, Matt Barnes, Luis Scola

Notes: Was thought to be the next Dirk Nowitzki, instead became the first Nic Tskitishvili. Perfect example of a guy getting drafted merely because he was 7 foot.

6) Stromile Swift (2000, Selected #2) - Career Stats: 547 Games, 8.4 PPG, 4.6 RPG, 5 teams.

Selected ahead of Mike Miller, Jamal Crawford, Hedo Turkoglu, Desmond Mason, Eddie House, Michael Redd

Notes: One of the coolest names in the history of the NBA. It's a pity that he wasn't a better player because that name is damn poetic. I may even name my first kid Stromile Swift Doyle.

5) Hasheem Thabeet (2009, Selected #2) - Career Stats: 94 Games, 2.6 PPG, 3.0 RPG, 1 team.

Selected ahead of James Harden, Tyreke Evans, Ricky Rubio, Stephen Curry, Brandon Jennings, DeMar DeRozan, Jrue Holiday, Taj Gibson, Omri Casspi, Toney Douglas

Notes: For those who say a year and a half is not enough time to evaluate a player and label him a bust, I've got to two indisputable facts for you: 1) Thabeet struggled in the D-league, 2) Tyreke Evans. Memphis could have had Tyreke Evans!!!!! Instead of Tyreke, Memphis has a 2 PPG player struggling with their D-league affiliate. Awesome.

4) Eddy Curry (2001, Selected # 4) - Career Stats: 511 Games, 13.3 PPG, 5.3 RPG, 2 teams.

Selected ahead of Jason Richardson, Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Troy Murphy, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Mehmet Okur.

Notes: Thabeet is worse. I know. I'm a Knick fan, though. Enough said.

3) Greg Oden (2007, Selected #1) - Career Stats: 81 Games, 9.4 PPG, 7.3 RPG, 1 team.

Selected ahead of Kevin Durant (Kevin Freakin' Durant!!), Al Horford, Jeff Green, Joakim Noah, Rodney Stuckey, Wilson Chandler, Rudy Fernandez, Aaron Brooks, Glen "Big Baby" Davis, Marc Gasol

Notes: Maybe he really is 5o years old? And don't get me started on those pictures.

2) Darko Milicic (2003, Selected #2) - Career Stats: 403 Games, 5.9 PPG, 4.2 RPG, 5 teams.

Selected ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, Chris Kaman, Kirk Hinrich, David West, Boris Diaw, Josh Howard, Mo Williams, Kyle Korver.

Notes: Perhaps the most infamous bust of all time. Nicknamed the "Human Victory Cigar" for the sad fact that he only got garbage minutes in blowout wins. Had the misfortune of being drafted directly ahead of three first ballot Hall of Famers (Anthony, Wade, Bosh). Improbably, he is now most noted for inspiring the name of the popular basketball blog FreeDarko.

And our 2010 Dummy Bros. Big Man Bust Bowl Champion is...

1) Kwame Brown (2001, Selected #1) - Career Stats: 529 Games, 6.7 PPG, 5.4 RPG, 5 teams.

Selected ahead of Pau Gasol, Jason Richardson, Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Troy Murphy, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Mehmet Okur.

Notes: What can one say? Kwame was selected #1 in 2001 by the number one player of all time, Michael Jordan. That alone gave him an unbelievable (and unwarranted) amount of hype. The fact that Jordan came out of retirement to play alongside him -putting Kwame on national television every single week- only made a bad situation worse. Another guy who was drafted for size instead of skill, Kwame could have benefited from a few (perhaps 10) years in college.

Clyde And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Posted by Sean Doyle, January 5, 2010.

Everybody is feelin' groovy now that the Knickerbockers are back. That goes double for Mr. Knick himself, Walt "Clyde" Frazier, who donned this understated ensemble during last night's 128 - 115 thrashing of the San Antonio Spurs. A Spurs team that just happens to have the NBA's best record. Oh yeah, we're back...

The Stat Case For Stat

Posted by Sean Doyle, January 2, 2011.

Photo by Christian Petersen / Getty Images North America.

(Additional photo editing by Sean Doyle)

On Friday we found out that Amare "Stat" Stoudemire, current reigning King / Savior / (place your hyperbolic appellation here) of New York city hoops is third amongst Eastern Conference forwards in All-Star voting at 637,486, trailing just behind LeBron James (969,459) and Kevin Garnett (712,555). First off, let's leave LBJ out of this as he is the Association's most gifted player. Second, if we were to do an old fashioned head-to-head between KG and Stat there would simply be no contest as to which man should rightfully be suiting up next to Mr. South Beach at David Stern's mid-winter classic. So get out and speak truth to power 'Bockers' fans! Vote Amare!

Here's the stuff:

Amare Stoudmire Vs. Kevin Garnett

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PER: 23.6 21.7

PPG: 26.4 15.0

RPG: 9.1 9.5

BPG: 2.3 0.7

APG: 2.4 2.0

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In every significant statistical category save for rebounds (and at 9.5 vs. 9.1 we're really just 2

good Amare games from being even) Stat crushes KG. If you combine this superior stat line with the transcendent impact that Stoudemire has had on revitalizing this long dormant but hugely important Knicks franchise, there is no doubt who belongs in the starting line up. Let Garnett ride the All-Star pine alongside his buddy (and certain fellow all-star) Joakim Noah. I'm sure they'll have alot to talk about...